From Hurt to Healing

As I begin this journel and let you in on a little of our life. I think you might have a lot of questions for me. All of the would of’s, could of’s, & should of’s. Believe me I have asked myself all of them about a million times. Could I have done things better? Would it have made a difference? Should I have walked away and never looked back? These plus thousands of other questions have gone through my mind over the past years. At the beginning I threw myself into counseling to try and answer them all. To fix me, make me better, to make me the person that he would love again, to see what I did wrong. (Over time I calmed my anxious self down and figured some things out) I don’t have it all figured out. I’m still learning, but I know I’m not the only one that has been in this place or that might one day be in this place and if my experiance can help, even just a little, then it was worth sharing.

I want you to know, You could not have done things better and it wouldn’t have made a difference. You are not supernatural. The decisions that were made were not your decisions!! Let me say that again for the people in the back row!!! The decisions that were made were not your decisions. It actually had very little to do with you. You could pack every lunch, do the laundry, cook the dinners, support all the dreams and do all the things and the decision still would have very little to do with you.

Someone once told me it takes two in a marriage for someone to decide to cheat. She meant one of the people in the marriage wasn’t doing thier part for the other to cheat. (Reality is that seldom is a marriage ever completely 50/50. Marriage would be a piece of cake if that was the case and I love Cake!) At the time I was broken and I took everything in and I blamed everything on myself for his actions and over time this statement really got to me. Did I not do this enough, that enough, was I not…..? You could put everthing you could image into that sentence and that’s what I was thinking. Over time I really thought about how messed up that statement is. The sad thing is it’s said so often we actually believe it. Is that truely our mentality??? I almost get sick to my stomach when I think about that statement. Yes it takes two to cheat! The two cheating!!! Plain and simple. So NO, you can Not make a decision that you were not present to make!!

In my early 20’s I would have said “I would walk away and never look back.” I can still hear her to this day and I believe she would have, but that girl was in a completely different place in her life when it happened. Married at the time 16 years, two beautiful children, a home and life we had worked hard to make. All my biggest accomplishments I had ever made I had made with my husband. I loved our life we had and to me it was worth fighting for!

At one point during all of this our daughter came to me and asked Why do you stay? Why are you nice to him? She was angry very angry! Her heart was broken just like mine! Her daddy had hung the moon and she was not liking what she was seeing and truthfully I think she thought I was weak. She had the same additude I would have had at her age. Her anger was so high at the time She served a volleyball at his head during practice because she didn’t know how to express her herself. Every time I turned around she was giving the bird or telling me it was going to be ok cause she would fight them. She did not have grace to give him and she was trying to be my protector. I remember I explained to her That God had givin me an abundant amount of Grace for him that I could not explain. I had never experienced this type of grace for someone before and what kept coming to my mind is that Jesus had died for me and I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of Grace. I believe God was giving me just a very small portion of the kind of Grace he has for us and my job was to show it to my husband.

One of the things I really wanted our daughter to know in all of this is my story is not her story! Just because this is the chapter we were going through doesn’t mean she will. Marriages don’t always have this and I pray that our kids marriages don’t, but if it does the outcome could look completely different then ours and thats OK. I would support them in anyway. If God directs you to stay or directs you to leave. It’s Ok! You did your best! Staying or going doesn’t make God love you more or less. He knows what you need. You made the right decision! Don’t look back, it won’t get you anywhere. You are a child of God and he’s the all knowing God. He will guide you and empower you. You are enough!!!! That’s what we need to be telling our hurting friends. Let’s shout that from the roof tops!! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!!! MY Friend you are Enough!!!!

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Psalms 139: 14 “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.”

NKJV